“MUSKETEERS” MISFIRES

THE THREE MUSKETEERS

Starring Matthew Macfadyen,

Logan Lerman,

Milla Jovovich,

Luke Evans,

Ray Stevenson,

Orlando Bloom,

Mads Mikkelsen,

Christoph Waltz

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson

Written by Alex Litvak and Andrew Davies

Based on the novel by Alexandre Dumas

Running time 110 mins.

Rated PG-13

          This movie is such a departure from the book, and so bad, I can hardly believe the filmmakers get to call it “The Three Musketeers” at all. Seriously. Hot-air balloon galleons floating around in the sky looks flat out stupid for Musketeers. Makes Dumas look dumbass, and that’s not fair.

          The story is lame and the look is off. When you can see its three feet of water with miniature Venice streets getting splashed, the look is off. The filmmakers spent too much of their budget on Matrix-like effects spinning around missiles which did not exist in Musketeer times. Big mistake.

          The only real Musketeer movies are the ones directed by Richard Lester (who also directed “A Hard Day’s Night”). The two movies in the mid-70s starring Michael York, Oliver Reed, and Raquel Welch capture the spirit of Dumas with an authentic, quality look. This new one doesn’t even come close.

          Like Dracula, Tarzan, and Sherlock Holmes, the Musketeers get repackaged more times than anyone can remember, almost never particularly well and usually quite poorly. This is one of those regular times.

          Somebody somewhere figured the Pirates of the Caribbean movies are still making money. Orlando Bloom was in most of those. So what’s the difference between pirates and musketeers? The both have big clothes from olden times, fancy facial hair, shooting and stabbing. Plus ships, now. Sailing ships floating around in the air under big balloons.

          “The Man in the Iron Mask” thirteen years ago at least had Gerard Depardieu as Porthos. But almost every single time a Musketeer movie gets made, it’s with some plain-sounding non-French person as idiotic in the role as getting Maurice Chevalier to play Gandhi. Why? Who makes these dumb calls? The same unseen suit who decided Tarzan needs to talk like Frankenstein’s monster? Why is it that the people who make the calls never read the books?

          The guy who plays Aramis looks like Orlando Bloom, yet isn’t. Bloom is in the movie, he’s just not a Musketeer. They got a fake Bloom to do that. Why? How pointlessly confusing.

          It’s not like the movie is lacking in talent. Christoph Waltz is an amazing actor, but to anyone who’s ever seen Charlton Heston as the Cardinal, Waltz just looks miscast.

          We’re supposed to accept that Leonardo Da Vinci had a secret weapon–hot-air balloon galleons–and that it’s the job of the Musketeers to seem completely un-French and constantly be betrayed by Milady (Jovovich) in an environment of totally unrealistic technology for the day. Not a good idea. The 2011 version makes the candy bar look literary in comparison.

“STEEL” REAL GOOD

REAL STEEL

Starring Hugh Jackman,

Dakota Goyo,

Evangeline Lilly,

Anthony Mackie,

Kevin Durand,

Hope Davis,

Karl Yune

Directed by Shawn Levy

Written by John Gatins

Based on a story by Dan Gilroy and Jeremy Leven

Running time 127 mins.

Rated PG-13

          Stories with forms of artificial life work when they question what it means to be human, what it means to be alive. They make us wonder what is real, make us question reality itself.

          What makes “Real Steel” work is its humanity. The heart of the story is the relationship between a father and his son. (Yet again.) It’s a character-driven story, and that’s what pulls the high-flying aspect of giant remote-control boxing robots.

          First smart move with “Real Steel” is in not calling it “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots–The Movie.” I love it when a film doesn’t say Hasbro at the start. I also suspect that “Iron Man 2" played a role in this one’s genesis. The best part about that movie is when Downey Jr. and the other guy go toe-to-toe in the suits. But the second smart move, once greenlighted, was focusing on the characters over the special effects.

          Think “The Iron Giant” plus “The Champ” meet Wii.

          Upshot: Ex-boxer (Jackman) scrapes living getting his robot fights at fairs with whatever is available, then finds the young son (Goyo) he abandoned years ago suddenly appearing in his life for a summer. As their relationship improves, so do the chances of their robot in getting a title fight.

          With most robot movies, we expect the kid to have a special friendship with the misunderstood robot, or we see the character of the robot shine through as it encounters the world around it. “Real Steel” isn’t like that. It’s clear that the robots are remotely controlled machinery. When Jackman and the kid get a robot an underground fight (outdoors) with a bigger, uglier robot, there’s a “Max Max Beyond Thunderdome”-ish feel with Mohawk-sporting punks screaming and frothing at the faux-gladiatorial display.

          Beautifully produced and excellently shot, “Real Steel” captures the imagination. Particularly in the first half. I think it does devolve considerably toward the end into the sort of sappiness we can’t help but expect–even to the point of scapegoating an Asian dude and a Russian babe as the Goliath-like face of corporate crime--but overall it’s quite good. Robot round card girls referencing “Metropolis” makes me all tingly, as does the Golem-like removal of a robot from the mud.

          When we see the physical correlation between the kid controlling the dad who needs to become a man, and the dad controlling the commensurately taller robot that takes terrible beatings before winning, the film is at the top of its game. But when “Steel” starts looking like the end of all the “Rocky” sequels, it runs out of steam and gets all clunky.