“BREAKING DAWN” BLOODY AWFUL

TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN

Starring Robert Pattinson,

Kristen Stewart,

Taylor Lautner,

Billy Burke,

Gil Birmingham,

Sarah Clarke,

Ashley Greene,

Peter Facinelli

Directed by Bill Condon

Written by Melissa Rosenberg

Based on the novel by Stephenie Meyer

Running time 117 mins.

Rated PG-13

         
I did not want to have to see it. The only thing worse than shiny little vampires is a shiny little vampire wedding.

          The problem is that the “Twilight” movie franchise is to both film and horror what a clothing catalog is to literature. Everything “Twilight” I’ve ever seen looks to me like it gets dropped out of a nozzle over a conveyor belt. This time, apparently the company added more wood product filler, and bumped up the dye on the sprinkles.

          Upshot: Shiny little vampire wedding.

          Camera on gown. Hold on gown for four minutes. Camera on ring. Hold on ring for five minutes. Better make it six—company says it wants a two-parter to maximize profits. Ker-splort.

          Would that the company had any idea how spectacularly bad pancake makeup looks smeared on people’s faces. I find it extremely distracting to see that the makeup people didn’t bother to push that junk up into the hairline. Or down into the neckline. Evidently, somebody somewhere said, “Oh, don’t worry about it. No one will be the wiser.”

          Pick a detail, any detail. Everything with “Twilight” is substandard. Who decided that a way to indicate vampire-ness is obvious, uncomfortable-looking colored contact lenses? When Taylor Lautner turns into a werewolf, running across the lawn in his Capris, magically his little pants completely disappear—and that’s not how werewolves work!

          Breaking “Breaking Dawn” down, it’s basically glorified daytime TV. By “glorified” I mean “corporate-pushed.” In a twisted, totally unintended way, Twinkie vampires and werewolves is kind of monstrous. Even that, however, pales in comparison to the narrow, one-dimensionality of the characters.

          Not that it’s the actors’ fault. Robert Pattinson’s performance in “Water for Elephants” released early this year still impresses me, as does Taylor Lautner’s in “Abduction.”

          But “Breaking Dawn” has a place in cinema, and I think that’s right next to “Reefer Madness.” For crying out loud, even Anne Rice can’t stand this stuff. And I couldn’t agree more. Anything that can make “Interview with the Vampire”--and “Dark Shadows,” for that matter--seem comparatively authentic takes a special kind of bad.

         

“HAPPY FEET TWO” STILL FRESH

HAPPY FEET TWO

Starring (the voices of)

Elijah Wood,

Robin Williams,

Ava Acres,

Hank Azaria,

Pink,

Brad Pitt,

Matt Damon,

Sofia Vergara,

Hugo Weaving

Directed by George Miller

Written by George Miller, Warren Coleman,

Gary Eck, Paul Livingston

Running time 100 mins.

Rated PG

          The animation is amazing, the themes are timely, and the use of music is hilarious and sublime.

          This second entry in what is now (surprise!) a franchise offers more of the same computer animated Antarctic fun. This time, Mumble (Wood) faces the conflict of being a good dad in the adorable eyes of his little penguin boy (Acres), who looks up to a strange flying penguin named Sven (Azaria) as, meanwhile, melting glaciers trap penguins, a lovelorn one named Ramon (Williams) competes for attention, and two tiny krill, Will and Bill (Pitt, Damon), go off on an adventure.

          The main thing that sets “Happy Feet” worlds apart from other animated fare is the unique use of music. Eclectic selections, highly post modern in sensibility, offer opportunities for vast hordes of animals to flap their feet on crunchy ice and…siiiiinnngg.

          Seems like we see a lot of animated movies set in icy realms or jungle places, usually with lots of animals communicating their feelings. And I suspect that the further we fall from the natural world the greater attention we’ll see focused on replicating it in entertainment. So to that extent, this second entry automatically appearing on the cinematic conveyor belt (splort!) looks like just another car commercial, with a car prowling animal-like through a misty forest all by itself.

          On the other hand, how else will people know about krill, or melting ice caps, or maybe even how to be human? 

          To the less than stellar, it’s not a franchise strong on character. Strong on voice, yes. Robin Williams just about carries the movie with his various voices. But how well do we really know these penguins? What sets one of them so memorably apart from another?

          The mere fact of the South Pole setting does nothing to ensure an audience walking away ecologically aware. It’s not the big Global Warming movie, that’s for sure. What these penguins do is dance. And when they work together, why, what they make is big big change.

          Big big change in the safe pretend world of talking penguins and polar ice caps.

         

“PUSS” FINDS NEW LIFE

PUSS IN BOOTS
Starring (the voices of)
Antonio Banderas,
Salma Hayek,
Zach Galifianakis,
Billy Bob Thornton,
Amy Sedaris,
Constance Marie,
Guillermo del Toro
Directed by Chris Miller
Written by Charles Perrault, Brian Lynch, David H. Steinberg,
Tom Wheeler, Jon Zack
Running time 90 mins.
Rated PG

Most enjoyable.
Littered with cat jokes, “Puss in Boots” fills the void left by the absence of Shrek—the Shrek franchise having ostensibly ended last year.
In keeping with the brand, “Puss” features twisted takes on fairytale characters. This time, Puss in Boots (Banderas) meets up with his old pal Humpty Dumpty (Galifianakis), and together they search for the magic beans that will make the beanstalk that will lead them to the golden eggs. Meanwhile, a mysterious black-clad cat (Hayek) is doing the same thing.
Even meaner-while, Jack and Jill (Thornton, Sedaris) ride around in a hog-drawn coach causing general mayhem, Jack having never been the same after that bad spill he took climbing up a hill.
The multiple filmmakers behind the four Shreks and this one have the comedy down to a science. Warped versions of sugarplum people is of course hugely appealing. The real versions of the fairytale folk are deceitful and leer.
As Humpty Dumpty, Zach Galifianakis provides the perfect voice. If you’ve ever seen “The Hangover” or its sequel, you’ll have a sense of the deceptive sweetness of which he is supremely capable.
In flashback we learn of Puss’s kittenhood at the orphanage where he met little Humpty. Some hilarious back story there. Much of the story is spent, predictably enough however, on the romantic relationship possibilities of the two leading kitties. In this respect, it’s a lot like an animated version of Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz in the most recent “Pirates” movie.
At one point, Puss walks into a bar. All the grown, slovenly men cruelly taunt the kitty. They laugh. Even pull away his bar stool, leaving him hanging by his little kitty elbows on the counter. Unperturbed, the lover, the fighter, sips his leche with darting tongue….
It’s good fun.