“MUSKETEERS” MISFIRES

THE THREE MUSKETEERS

Starring Matthew Macfadyen,

Logan Lerman,

Milla Jovovich,

Luke Evans,

Ray Stevenson,

Orlando Bloom,

Mads Mikkelsen,

Christoph Waltz

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson

Written by Alex Litvak and Andrew Davies

Based on the novel by Alexandre Dumas

Running time 110 mins.

Rated PG-13

          This movie is such a departure from the book, and so bad, I can hardly believe the filmmakers get to call it “The Three Musketeers” at all. Seriously. Hot-air balloon galleons floating around in the sky looks flat out stupid for Musketeers. Makes Dumas look dumbass, and that’s not fair.

          The story is lame and the look is off. When you can see its three feet of water with miniature Venice streets getting splashed, the look is off. The filmmakers spent too much of their budget on Matrix-like effects spinning around missiles which did not exist in Musketeer times. Big mistake.

          The only real Musketeer movies are the ones directed by Richard Lester (who also directed “A Hard Day’s Night”). The two movies in the mid-70s starring Michael York, Oliver Reed, and Raquel Welch capture the spirit of Dumas with an authentic, quality look. This new one doesn’t even come close.

          Like Dracula, Tarzan, and Sherlock Holmes, the Musketeers get repackaged more times than anyone can remember, almost never particularly well and usually quite poorly. This is one of those regular times.

          Somebody somewhere figured the Pirates of the Caribbean movies are still making money. Orlando Bloom was in most of those. So what’s the difference between pirates and musketeers? The both have big clothes from olden times, fancy facial hair, shooting and stabbing. Plus ships, now. Sailing ships floating around in the air under big balloons.

          “The Man in the Iron Mask” thirteen years ago at least had Gerard Depardieu as Porthos. But almost every single time a Musketeer movie gets made, it’s with some plain-sounding non-French person as idiotic in the role as getting Maurice Chevalier to play Gandhi. Why? Who makes these dumb calls? The same unseen suit who decided Tarzan needs to talk like Frankenstein’s monster? Why is it that the people who make the calls never read the books?

          The guy who plays Aramis looks like Orlando Bloom, yet isn’t. Bloom is in the movie, he’s just not a Musketeer. They got a fake Bloom to do that. Why? How pointlessly confusing.

          It’s not like the movie is lacking in talent. Christoph Waltz is an amazing actor, but to anyone who’s ever seen Charlton Heston as the Cardinal, Waltz just looks miscast.

          We’re supposed to accept that Leonardo Da Vinci had a secret weapon–hot-air balloon galleons–and that it’s the job of the Musketeers to seem completely un-French and constantly be betrayed by Milady (Jovovich) in an environment of totally unrealistic technology for the day. Not a good idea. The 2011 version makes the candy bar look literary in comparison.

“STEEL” REAL GOOD

REAL STEEL

Starring Hugh Jackman,

Dakota Goyo,

Evangeline Lilly,

Anthony Mackie,

Kevin Durand,

Hope Davis,

Karl Yune

Directed by Shawn Levy

Written by John Gatins

Based on a story by Dan Gilroy and Jeremy Leven

Running time 127 mins.

Rated PG-13

          Stories with forms of artificial life work when they question what it means to be human, what it means to be alive. They make us wonder what is real, make us question reality itself.

          What makes “Real Steel” work is its humanity. The heart of the story is the relationship between a father and his son. (Yet again.) It’s a character-driven story, and that’s what pulls the high-flying aspect of giant remote-control boxing robots.

          First smart move with “Real Steel” is in not calling it “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots–The Movie.” I love it when a film doesn’t say Hasbro at the start. I also suspect that “Iron Man 2" played a role in this one’s genesis. The best part about that movie is when Downey Jr. and the other guy go toe-to-toe in the suits. But the second smart move, once greenlighted, was focusing on the characters over the special effects.

          Think “The Iron Giant” plus “The Champ” meet Wii.

          Upshot: Ex-boxer (Jackman) scrapes living getting his robot fights at fairs with whatever is available, then finds the young son (Goyo) he abandoned years ago suddenly appearing in his life for a summer. As their relationship improves, so do the chances of their robot in getting a title fight.

          With most robot movies, we expect the kid to have a special friendship with the misunderstood robot, or we see the character of the robot shine through as it encounters the world around it. “Real Steel” isn’t like that. It’s clear that the robots are remotely controlled machinery. When Jackman and the kid get a robot an underground fight (outdoors) with a bigger, uglier robot, there’s a “Max Max Beyond Thunderdome”-ish feel with Mohawk-sporting punks screaming and frothing at the faux-gladiatorial display.

          Beautifully produced and excellently shot, “Real Steel” captures the imagination. Particularly in the first half. I think it does devolve considerably toward the end into the sort of sappiness we can’t help but expect–even to the point of scapegoating an Asian dude and a Russian babe as the Goliath-like face of corporate crime--but overall it’s quite good. Robot round card girls referencing “Metropolis” makes me all tingly, as does the Golem-like removal of a robot from the mud.

          When we see the physical correlation between the kid controlling the dad who needs to become a man, and the dad controlling the commensurately taller robot that takes terrible beatings before winning, the film is at the top of its game. But when “Steel” starts looking like the end of all the “Rocky” sequels, it runs out of steam and gets all clunky.

“DOLPHIN TALE” NO FLUKE

DOLPHIN TALE

Starring Harry Connick Jr.,

Ashley Judd,

Nathan Gamble,

Cozi Zuehlsdorff,

Austin Stowell,

Kris Kristofferson,

Morgan Freeman

Directed by Charles Martin Smith

Written by Karen Janszen, Noam Dromi

Running time 113 mins.

Rated PG

          Highly recommendable.

          Upshot: Eleven year-old boy (Gamble) makes friends with injured dolphin.

          Sounds like “Free Willy” with a dolphin, but plays like more than that. For one thing, the boy’s cousin (Stowell), who swims competitively, joins the military. I’ll remain deliberately vague here to not spoil the plot. Suffice to say, the story is not strictly limited to one dolphin’s survival.

          Okay, there’s just no way to talk about this thing without dropping a piece of information which, while I don’t think spoils the plot, comes about as close to doing that as can be gotten away with. The dolphin’s tail gets so injured that Morgan Freeman has to come along and help fix it.

          Perhaps that’s too vague.

          Another aspect of the film: It’s directed by Charles Martin Smith, the dude from “Never Cry Wolf.” And directed really well. Fine performances all around–particularly from Freeman, as one might expect. But the two singers who play the two single parents, Connick Jr. and Judd, are both skilled actors, too. And the kids pretty much carry the movie.

          “Dolphin” isn’t without its sappiness. For some reason, family fare has to strive to make people cry to become “feel good.” And yet, even with that going on, the recommendable aspects outweigh the cornball detractions.

          Back to plot-spoiling: There is an undercurrent to the film difficult to discuss without kind of ruining the movie. This undercurrent is perhaps best exemplified by a sequence with a remote control helicopter which the boy laboriously constructs. When the toy copter gets out of hand, and starts dangerously zipping around, we hear Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries,” like in “Apocalypse Now.” It’s an effective part of the film, though it really has nothing to do with the characters.

          “Dolphin Tale” is available in 3D, and that’s how I saw it, but it’s not at all a movie that has to be seen that way. Doesn’t hurt. Just more pricey.

         

         

“ABDUCTION” GRIPPING

ABDUCTION

Starring Taylor Lautner,

Lily Collins,

Denzel Whitaker,

Jason Isaacs,

Maria Bello,

Alfred Molina,

Sigourney Weaver

Directed by John Singleton

Written by Shawn Christensen

Running time 106 mins.

Rated PG-13

          Plays like a modern teenage myth.

          Guaranteed I’m the only one who will call the Taylor Lautner film “Abduction” a myth, so I’ll go even further: It’s a father quest myth. A search for identity.

          Upshot: In his last year of high school, a young dude (Lautner) writing a class report learns that his parents aren’t actually his parents after all, and finds himself running for his life with the girl across the street (Collins).

          Ah, the mysterious birth of the hero. From Theseus to Luke Skywalker, it’s essential for the young princeling to discover the true nobility of his birth. The story’s as old as the hills, and in this fresh retelling social media pervade. Cell phones are today’s light sabers.

          This movie has some serious surprises, and the biggest one is how well Lautner can act. I have zero use for “Twilight”–actively I do not like shiny vampires–but that franchise has no bearing on the talent of at least two of its stars. Earlier this year, Robert Pattinson shone in “Water for Elephants,” and here Taylor Lautner delivers an equally credible, if not exceptional, performance.

          Ditto for the dude who plays Lucius Malfoy. Jason Isaacs is almost unrecognizable as the kid’s dad. I’ve seen that guy in a few other roles, and I think this is his best work yet. You’d never guess the guy’s British, that’s for sure.

          And to top it all off, Sigourney Weaver and Alfred Molina. Now that’s a cast.

          At times it feels like “Romeo and Juliet” meets “North by Northwest.” Those are pretty much the times during the train sequence. Young love on the lam. Big ugly old people chasing the little pretty young ones around, trying to catch them and smash them. This movie has everything.

          Well, within reason. A more innovative film would star Alfred Molina as a guy who knows all about his parents, yet gets chased around by mysterious young people trying to kill him. Then in a pinch he discovers he knows kung fu! Just brainstorming, I’m seeing Molina as a movie reviewer here....

         

        

“DRIVE” CARVES FILM NICHE

DRIVE

Starring Ryan Gosling,

Carey Mulligan,

Bryan Cranston,

Albert Brooks,

Oscar Isaac,

Ron Perlman

Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn

Written by Hossein Amini

Based on the book by James Sallis

Running time 100 mins.

Rated R

          One of the best movies of the year.

          Like Jean Reno in “The Professional,” Ryan Gosling turns in an immediate cult classic performance with “Drive.” Like Robert De Niro’s Travis Bickle in “Taxi Driver,” Gosling’s unnamed driver is an understated potentially career-defining role.

          Upshot: Part-time movie stunt driver moonlighting as freelance robbery wheel-man develops relationship with woman, thereby becomes vulnerable, and has to keep work-related danger from spilling into personal life.

          The performances are everything in “Drive.” Primarily Gosling’s. I just saw him a few weeks ago in “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” If you want a lesson in acting, watch that movie and then this one. Riveting. Unique in film. Right up there with Toshiro Mifune (whose samurai in “Yojimbo” Eastwood modeled his Man with No Name in “A Fistful of Dollars”), even Steve McQueen, and Lee Marvin. Gosling understands apparently better than anyone else in movies that stillness is his ally.

          “Drive” flat-out looks like a movie from somebody with a vision. We’re hooked before the credits even come up. I love when a movie can do that.

          The car chases beat “Bullit” and “The French Connection” combined, and at least two of the supporting roles will likely get some Oscar buzz: Albert Brooks in a terrific piece of casting as an L.A. mob boss, and Bryan Cranston as a sort of mentor-figure to the driver.

          For no discernible reason, the filmmakers choose a retro-‘80s aesthetic. The poster looks right out of 1986, and a scene full of synthesizer sounds could have come from a quarter-century ago as well. Chalk that up toward vision.

          Ditto for the hardcore violence. And it isn’t even superfluous. Everything in the movie is there for a reason. Feels like it anyway, so that’s good enough.

          Every once in a while a great movie comes out of nowhere fully formed from Zeus’s thigh. One based neither on a comic book nor TV show. One without hype, and no burger franchise tie-in. “The Hitcher” was like that. And “Taken.” (That’s got one of the best tag-lines I’ve ever heard: “They took his daughter. He’ll take their lives.”) Actually I think “Taken” did advertise Liam Neeson-inspired chili-cheese fries. But “Drive” won’t steer you wrong.