“ZOOKEEPER” WILDLY BITES

ZOOKEEPER

Starring Kevin James,

Rosario Dawson,

Leslie Bibb,

Ken Jeong,

Donnie Wahlberg,

Joe Rogan,

Sylvester Stallone (voice),

Cher (voice),

Adam Sandler (voice)

Directed by Frank Coraci

Written by Nick Bukay, Rock Reuben, Kevin James,

Jay Scherick, David Ronn

Based on a story by Jay Scherick and David Ronn

Running time 104 mins.

Rated PG

          I did not know until this movie that Kevin James has great comic timing, tremendous likeability, and sheer obvious talent. I never saw him in a movie before. “Zookeeper” actually has more than a few good laughs. And it’s probably not as bad as one is bound to hear. But it’s pretty bad.

          The main problem with “Zookeeper” is the whole premise that the animals at the zoo all secretly speak in various American dialects when the people aren’t around. Much the same way that the toys all secretly move around and talk when the people aren't looking in “Toy Story,” yet with the distinction of interaction taking place between the zookeeper and the animals at this forbidden level. They break the rule for the zookeeper simply because they like him.

          Sounds almost mythic, like the zookeeper’s a regular Siegfried tasting the blood of the dragon and hearing the forbidden language of the birds. But no. It truly doesn’t work. It’s just a bad idea.

          Upshot: A zookeeper (James), having been dumped by his girlfriend (Bibb) five years ago, is happy in his work. But when the girlfriend turns up again, she’s ready to give him another chance, so long as he lets her change him how she wants. Meanwhile, the talking animals act silly and want to help their lovable zookeeper pal.

          A lot of time is spent with a gorilla called Bernie voiced by Nick Nolte. Too often the gorilla looks plain wrong. Because it’s a guy in a suit. Nolte’s better than this, and so is Cher (the voice of a lioness), and everyone else involved, really.

          In a superfluous subplot, Donnie Wahlberg plays an abusive low-ranking zookeep who picks on the gorilla. But after the far superior animal cruelty in “Like Water for Elephants,” this thin pale fare falls sadly flat.

          In terms of believability, there is of course none. The gorilla, sounding exactly like Nick Nolte because it’s him, dispenses advice to Kevin James on getting the girl. But more unbelievable still, perhaps, is the co-zookeeper played by super-awesome Rosario Dawson being secretly–I have to give this away–secretly deeply interested in the regular guy, the zookeeper.

          Well I mean come on.

          Adam Sandler is largely to blame for “Zookeeper,” actually. Sad to say, gotta rank this one right alongside some of the worst that Sandler has done.

          But, next week: The final Harry Potter.

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