“MUSKETEERS” MISFIRES

THE THREE MUSKETEERS

Starring Matthew Macfadyen,

Logan Lerman,

Milla Jovovich,

Luke Evans,

Ray Stevenson,

Orlando Bloom,

Mads Mikkelsen,

Christoph Waltz

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson

Written by Alex Litvak and Andrew Davies

Based on the novel by Alexandre Dumas

Running time 110 mins.

Rated PG-13

          This movie is such a departure from the book, and so bad, I can hardly believe the filmmakers get to call it “The Three Musketeers” at all. Seriously. Hot-air balloon galleons floating around in the sky looks flat out stupid for Musketeers. Makes Dumas look dumbass, and that’s not fair.

          The story is lame and the look is off. When you can see its three feet of water with miniature Venice streets getting splashed, the look is off. The filmmakers spent too much of their budget on Matrix-like effects spinning around missiles which did not exist in Musketeer times. Big mistake.

          The only real Musketeer movies are the ones directed by Richard Lester (who also directed “A Hard Day’s Night”). The two movies in the mid-70s starring Michael York, Oliver Reed, and Raquel Welch capture the spirit of Dumas with an authentic, quality look. This new one doesn’t even come close.

          Like Dracula, Tarzan, and Sherlock Holmes, the Musketeers get repackaged more times than anyone can remember, almost never particularly well and usually quite poorly. This is one of those regular times.

          Somebody somewhere figured the Pirates of the Caribbean movies are still making money. Orlando Bloom was in most of those. So what’s the difference between pirates and musketeers? The both have big clothes from olden times, fancy facial hair, shooting and stabbing. Plus ships, now. Sailing ships floating around in the air under big balloons.

          “The Man in the Iron Mask” thirteen years ago at least had Gerard Depardieu as Porthos. But almost every single time a Musketeer movie gets made, it’s with some plain-sounding non-French person as idiotic in the role as getting Maurice Chevalier to play Gandhi. Why? Who makes these dumb calls? The same unseen suit who decided Tarzan needs to talk like Frankenstein’s monster? Why is it that the people who make the calls never read the books?

          The guy who plays Aramis looks like Orlando Bloom, yet isn’t. Bloom is in the movie, he’s just not a Musketeer. They got a fake Bloom to do that. Why? How pointlessly confusing.

          It’s not like the movie is lacking in talent. Christoph Waltz is an amazing actor, but to anyone who’s ever seen Charlton Heston as the Cardinal, Waltz just looks miscast.

          We’re supposed to accept that Leonardo Da Vinci had a secret weapon–hot-air balloon galleons–and that it’s the job of the Musketeers to seem completely un-French and constantly be betrayed by Milady (Jovovich) in an environment of totally unrealistic technology for the day. Not a good idea. The 2011 version makes the candy bar look literary in comparison.